I will survive.

I feel the need to explain the events of my past two years.

In July of 2007, I moved to Lexington, Kentucky for a guy. We had talked since January. While we were fine, the fact that my children remained in California ( a better choice for them)made it very difficult for them and I. I chose to move back to California in mid October. I still keep in touch with him, and have become great friends since.

I have NO regrets for doing so. On the trip TO Kentucky was awesome. We (the person and I) opted to take the kids with us on the trip. Six days, two children a packed PT cruiser and 12 states later; we arrived. I loved Lexington. The state was awesome, the ‘new family’ greeted me with open arms and the city was beautiful. I never felt out of place, even though I was the only one without a southern dialect!

My trip back, was great! I met with a few people I have met through the H world. I went through Dallas, went to a social event, and traveled through 7 states on the way back. I was able to see the Petrified forest, the Hoover Dam, and visited with my parents in Las Vegas (didn’t do the strip though)… Just didn’t seem right with my parents. I made it back to my aunt and uncles house at 5th day with 30 bucks to my name.

I was on unemployment. I had given three weeks’ notice to my former employer, and they found a reason to fire me at day 7 of my notice. I won my unemployment claim and was granted more than 9 months of Unemployment, including a Federal extenstion.

I lived with my aunt for 7 months. In those seven months.. I sent more than a thousand applications for employment. I had interviewed more than 15 times in those months. [hindsight, glad I didn’t get any of those jobs, since the economy has eliminated all of those positions since].

March 14, 2008, my birthday, I choose to move to Sacramento, and live in a campground near the Sacramento area. I bought a tent, some minimal equipment and lived there for 2 weeks. All the while, I was out daily, looking for work. I stayed a month with a friend in another area town (in the mountains), and a 20 day stretch with my friend and her fiance. I lived for another two weeks sleeping in my car; here and there, somewhere safe, quiet and dark.

I have a dog. I have had her since I moved from Kentucky. May, aka Maylin, has been by my side, through all of this. I love her like I love my children.

I found a job in May. I went back to cleaning houses. I hate it, but its pay. Not as much as I need to survive, but it finally got me an apartment, and a fridge in which to store food.

Since July of 08 I have been here. I am surviving. I mostly toggle between my car payment and my rent. I know I am only a payment or two away from losing it all. This week, I have decided, that I will give up my apartment before I give up my car. I can live in my car. I can replace an apartment, I cannot replace my car. (whole other story).

The gist of all this…..

You don’t know what you CAN survive without, until YOU DO.

You don’t know who your friends are, until you hit BOTTOM.

I will survive, ANYTHING life puts in my lap.

I choose my children over comfort of living in my family’s home.

I learned, that I can deal with life’s issues, and not become depressed. ( since I have had May, I have NOT needed medication).

So, the next time you (in general) see me say ‘I’m ok” I really am. No matter what situation I am in. I am happy, no matter where I lay my head at night. I am sane, through the struggles of an insane situation. Please don’t pity me. I have learned so much in these past two years, about myself, about others, about life in general.

I have no regrets, of my past, present or my future. I know it is all temporal. And at some point, ‘this too shall pass”, and at some point, I know I will be on top again!

I am a survivor; always have been, presently, and always will be.