Things haven't been going right again. Not that its much of a surprise...most of my life has been struggles. I have never gotten anything easily. (that was another blog entry)
Someone told me yesterday to have faith. I replied, faith has nothing to do with it. Nothing about faith has gotten me anything in the past. Faith doesnt work hard, pound the pavement or does the hard work.
This has bothered me a bit. I DO believe in a higher power. Not sure about all the rest. I have issues with organized religions and churches in general. I have been Buddhist longer than I have been both religions I was baptized into. Yet, faith still strikes me as a thin thread of all beliefs. It also eludes me as to wtf it means.
Faith...to believe that things will be better. But, faith in what? whom? when? where? Those are the questions I want answered.
I have faith... the only faith I have learned to believe in... faith in me. I have been the only person I can depend on. I have been the only person I can turn to when the cards are stacked against me. I am the only person who can change things for the better, and conversely make things worse.
So..have faith.....ok...to me that means....'GIT ER DUN'... and I have always been able to step up to the plate and deal... and change my OWN life.
I have faith... in ME.
03 October 2009
06 April 2009
My own mortality
I clean an average of 25 different houses in a month's time. Most of my clients are working, not working and too busy, and a few are older and retired.
Lately, I have been feeling the mortality of my own soul. In that I mean, my older clients are making me realize, that life is short. While we are running around 'living in the moment', far too many of us are not stopping to smell the roses. I try hard, to remain present; while still working on my future. Then I see my clients in the decline of life... and contemplate my own distant future. We all end up alone.
Even those, who had long marriages, several marriages, children and grandchildren, all seem so alone. Not all of them are lonely, most of them are VERY BUSY! Still, there is a feeling inside me like I want to help them. I know that coming in and cleaning their houses, that they no longer can do for themselves is a great relief. I just wish... I could do more. I take a few minutes with these people, sometimes a half hour; and talk with them. One is so busy with his projects and hobbies, he has isolated himself.. and actually likes my conversations... he is VERY smart.. and funny! Another is funny, and reads constantly, sharp as a tack! She remembers things I forget! Its kind of like a bartender that makes house calls I guess.
I know I just clean the kitchen, baths, dust and vacuum, but in some way, I know I am bringing them a scheduled 'friend time'... I like that. I like being able to make them laugh, giving them some time with another human being, and not just a television. I think sometimes, I look forward to seeing them as much as they like seeing me. I may not be making a fortune, but I DO KNOW, I am helping people. One house at a time.
Lately, I have been feeling the mortality of my own soul. In that I mean, my older clients are making me realize, that life is short. While we are running around 'living in the moment', far too many of us are not stopping to smell the roses. I try hard, to remain present; while still working on my future. Then I see my clients in the decline of life... and contemplate my own distant future. We all end up alone.
Even those, who had long marriages, several marriages, children and grandchildren, all seem so alone. Not all of them are lonely, most of them are VERY BUSY! Still, there is a feeling inside me like I want to help them. I know that coming in and cleaning their houses, that they no longer can do for themselves is a great relief. I just wish... I could do more. I take a few minutes with these people, sometimes a half hour; and talk with them. One is so busy with his projects and hobbies, he has isolated himself.. and actually likes my conversations... he is VERY smart.. and funny! Another is funny, and reads constantly, sharp as a tack! She remembers things I forget! Its kind of like a bartender that makes house calls I guess.
I know I just clean the kitchen, baths, dust and vacuum, but in some way, I know I am bringing them a scheduled 'friend time'... I like that. I like being able to make them laugh, giving them some time with another human being, and not just a television. I think sometimes, I look forward to seeing them as much as they like seeing me. I may not be making a fortune, but I DO KNOW, I am helping people. One house at a time.
10 March 2009
I will survive.
I feel the need to explain the events of my past two years.
In July of 2007, I moved to Lexington, Kentucky for a guy. We had talked since January. While we were fine, the fact that my children remained in California ( a better choice for them)made it very difficult for them and I. I chose to move back to California in mid October. I still keep in touch with him, and have become great friends since.
I have NO regrets for doing so. On the trip TO Kentucky was awesome. We (the person and I) opted to take the kids with us on the trip. Six days, two children a packed PT cruiser and 12 states later; we arrived. I loved Lexington. The state was awesome, the ‘new family’ greeted me with open arms and the city was beautiful. I never felt out of place, even though I was the only one without a southern dialect!
My trip back, was great! I met with a few people I have met through the H world. I went through Dallas, went to a social event, and traveled through 7 states on the way back. I was able to see the Petrified forest, the Hoover Dam, and visited with my parents in Las Vegas (didn’t do the strip though)… Just didn’t seem right with my parents. I made it back to my aunt and uncles house at 5th day with 30 bucks to my name.
I was on unemployment. I had given three weeks’ notice to my former employer, and they found a reason to fire me at day 7 of my notice. I won my unemployment claim and was granted more than 9 months of Unemployment, including a Federal extenstion.
I lived with my aunt for 7 months. In those seven months.. I sent more than a thousand applications for employment. I had interviewed more than 15 times in those months. [hindsight, glad I didn’t get any of those jobs, since the economy has eliminated all of those positions since].
March 14, 2008, my birthday, I choose to move to Sacramento, and live in a campground near the Sacramento area. I bought a tent, some minimal equipment and lived there for 2 weeks. All the while, I was out daily, looking for work. I stayed a month with a friend in another area town (in the mountains), and a 20 day stretch with my friend and her fiance. I lived for another two weeks sleeping in my car; here and there, somewhere safe, quiet and dark.
I have a dog. I have had her since I moved from Kentucky. May, aka Maylin, has been by my side, through all of this. I love her like I love my children.
I found a job in May. I went back to cleaning houses. I hate it, but its pay. Not as much as I need to survive, but it finally got me an apartment, and a fridge in which to store food.
Since July of 08 I have been here. I am surviving. I mostly toggle between my car payment and my rent. I know I am only a payment or two away from losing it all. This week, I have decided, that I will give up my apartment before I give up my car. I can live in my car. I can replace an apartment, I cannot replace my car. (whole other story).
The gist of all this…..
You don’t know what you CAN survive without, until YOU DO.
You don’t know who your friends are, until you hit BOTTOM.
I will survive, ANYTHING life puts in my lap.
I choose my children over comfort of living in my family’s home.
I learned, that I can deal with life’s issues, and not become depressed. ( since I have had May, I have NOT needed medication).
So, the next time you (in general) see me say ‘I’m ok” I really am. No matter what situation I am in. I am happy, no matter where I lay my head at night. I am sane, through the struggles of an insane situation. Please don’t pity me. I have learned so much in these past two years, about myself, about others, about life in general.
I have no regrets, of my past, present or my future. I know it is all temporal. And at some point, ‘this too shall pass”, and at some point, I know I will be on top again!
I am a survivor; always have been, presently, and always will be.
In July of 2007, I moved to Lexington, Kentucky for a guy. We had talked since January. While we were fine, the fact that my children remained in California ( a better choice for them)made it very difficult for them and I. I chose to move back to California in mid October. I still keep in touch with him, and have become great friends since.
I have NO regrets for doing so. On the trip TO Kentucky was awesome. We (the person and I) opted to take the kids with us on the trip. Six days, two children a packed PT cruiser and 12 states later; we arrived. I loved Lexington. The state was awesome, the ‘new family’ greeted me with open arms and the city was beautiful. I never felt out of place, even though I was the only one without a southern dialect!
My trip back, was great! I met with a few people I have met through the H world. I went through Dallas, went to a social event, and traveled through 7 states on the way back. I was able to see the Petrified forest, the Hoover Dam, and visited with my parents in Las Vegas (didn’t do the strip though)… Just didn’t seem right with my parents. I made it back to my aunt and uncles house at 5th day with 30 bucks to my name.
I was on unemployment. I had given three weeks’ notice to my former employer, and they found a reason to fire me at day 7 of my notice. I won my unemployment claim and was granted more than 9 months of Unemployment, including a Federal extenstion.
I lived with my aunt for 7 months. In those seven months.. I sent more than a thousand applications for employment. I had interviewed more than 15 times in those months. [hindsight, glad I didn’t get any of those jobs, since the economy has eliminated all of those positions since].
March 14, 2008, my birthday, I choose to move to Sacramento, and live in a campground near the Sacramento area. I bought a tent, some minimal equipment and lived there for 2 weeks. All the while, I was out daily, looking for work. I stayed a month with a friend in another area town (in the mountains), and a 20 day stretch with my friend and her fiance. I lived for another two weeks sleeping in my car; here and there, somewhere safe, quiet and dark.
I have a dog. I have had her since I moved from Kentucky. May, aka Maylin, has been by my side, through all of this. I love her like I love my children.
I found a job in May. I went back to cleaning houses. I hate it, but its pay. Not as much as I need to survive, but it finally got me an apartment, and a fridge in which to store food.
Since July of 08 I have been here. I am surviving. I mostly toggle between my car payment and my rent. I know I am only a payment or two away from losing it all. This week, I have decided, that I will give up my apartment before I give up my car. I can live in my car. I can replace an apartment, I cannot replace my car. (whole other story).
The gist of all this…..
You don’t know what you CAN survive without, until YOU DO.
You don’t know who your friends are, until you hit BOTTOM.
I will survive, ANYTHING life puts in my lap.
I choose my children over comfort of living in my family’s home.
I learned, that I can deal with life’s issues, and not become depressed. ( since I have had May, I have NOT needed medication).
So, the next time you (in general) see me say ‘I’m ok” I really am. No matter what situation I am in. I am happy, no matter where I lay my head at night. I am sane, through the struggles of an insane situation. Please don’t pity me. I have learned so much in these past two years, about myself, about others, about life in general.
I have no regrets, of my past, present or my future. I know it is all temporal. And at some point, ‘this too shall pass”, and at some point, I know I will be on top again!
I am a survivor; always have been, presently, and always will be.
23 February 2009
My life so far...
I have lived a hard life. Never, have I had a break. Everything I have ever gotten was from hard work, struggle and sometimes pain. I don’t mind really, I know that nothing in life comes easy. I have learned, to value the place I have gotten to, the lessons learned and to live life guarded.
I have learned, that in order to survive, you must be guarded. Guarded against others trying to take what you have gained, goals you have achieved and things you have planned for the future. I like who I am now, I value the things I have learned.
I am an observer. I learn by watching others. I have learned lessons by watching the interactions others have endured around me.
Nothing I have achieved has come easily. I have struggled to live to the age of 18. I have struggled to attain two college degrees. I have struggled to be a great mom to my kids.
I am at a point in my life, that tests me daily. I am humbled. I know that everything I do, everywhere I work, every day I spend with my kids will build upon who I am to become.
I love life, though its been tough. I love the ability to enjoy a beautiful morning with a crisp wind. I have been able to sit, and let the rain fall on my face. I have learned that through patience, truth will envelope reality.
I have been abused, mentally and physically by a parent. I have been neglected by the other. If it weren’t for my aunt and uncle I wouldn’t know what real parents should have been like. I don’t hold disdain for those who gave birth to me. I have resolve, that in the big picture, they dint know any better either. I choose not to be a victim of my past. I am strong. I am willful. I am not ashamed of either virtue.
There are many, who don’t understand me. Those that don’t understand me, don’t know me. Its ok, maybe in the next life…
I am who I am. A product of my environment. I am at peace with the world. I understand I cannot control it. I accept all that has happened for a reason. I know that there are reasons, I don’t understand yet; and maybe never will, that the things that have happened to me, for a reason.
I hold no contempt. I hold no pain. I hold no guilt. I am becoming free. Free from the world of pain and suffering. Free from a world of unfairness. I accept what God gives me. I accept life as it comes. I am positive, in the light of all that has been. I am proud of this virtue the most.
Go, be one with GOD…
I have learned, that in order to survive, you must be guarded. Guarded against others trying to take what you have gained, goals you have achieved and things you have planned for the future. I like who I am now, I value the things I have learned.
I am an observer. I learn by watching others. I have learned lessons by watching the interactions others have endured around me.
Nothing I have achieved has come easily. I have struggled to live to the age of 18. I have struggled to attain two college degrees. I have struggled to be a great mom to my kids.
I am at a point in my life, that tests me daily. I am humbled. I know that everything I do, everywhere I work, every day I spend with my kids will build upon who I am to become.
I love life, though its been tough. I love the ability to enjoy a beautiful morning with a crisp wind. I have been able to sit, and let the rain fall on my face. I have learned that through patience, truth will envelope reality.
I have been abused, mentally and physically by a parent. I have been neglected by the other. If it weren’t for my aunt and uncle I wouldn’t know what real parents should have been like. I don’t hold disdain for those who gave birth to me. I have resolve, that in the big picture, they dint know any better either. I choose not to be a victim of my past. I am strong. I am willful. I am not ashamed of either virtue.
There are many, who don’t understand me. Those that don’t understand me, don’t know me. Its ok, maybe in the next life…
I am who I am. A product of my environment. I am at peace with the world. I understand I cannot control it. I accept all that has happened for a reason. I know that there are reasons, I don’t understand yet; and maybe never will, that the things that have happened to me, for a reason.
I hold no contempt. I hold no pain. I hold no guilt. I am becoming free. Free from the world of pain and suffering. Free from a world of unfairness. I accept what God gives me. I accept life as it comes. I am positive, in the light of all that has been. I am proud of this virtue the most.
Go, be one with GOD…
06 January 2009
Sliding.....
I feel like I'm watching a movie. Flashes of reality inter-twined with hope for the future and hopelessness of my situation. I know I am not alone, I have friends and family who are there for me.
I want to sleep more than I want to wake. I want to close my eyes and hope things are better when they open. I know I am the only one who can change things. I am in survival mode; one day at a time. I feel like I am not in control.
I take in the finest detail of things I've never even noticed before. The peeling bark on a tree I have parked next to for a year now. The smell of my daughters hair as I kiss her goodnight.
Sigh, "this too shall pass". A few days and things will be bright and cheery. I will soon forget to notice the tree. I will see life clearly again. I will be motivated to do more. For now, I think I'll just go to sleep with my dog. :}
I want to sleep more than I want to wake. I want to close my eyes and hope things are better when they open. I know I am the only one who can change things. I am in survival mode; one day at a time. I feel like I am not in control.
I take in the finest detail of things I've never even noticed before. The peeling bark on a tree I have parked next to for a year now. The smell of my daughters hair as I kiss her goodnight.
Sigh, "this too shall pass". A few days and things will be bright and cheery. I will soon forget to notice the tree. I will see life clearly again. I will be motivated to do more. For now, I think I'll just go to sleep with my dog. :}
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